The most important thing first is to plant how a normal relationship is, because in most couples it is not very well known. Well, doubt arises in multiple life situations, of what is within the normality "Am I overdoing it? Am I doing it right? Is it normal what I think, what I demand...?" Not only in a relationship and in a coexistence do doubts and behavioral errors occur, but also at an individual level in our day to day. Don't tell me that on many occasions in your life, especially if you have a certain sensitivity (the cold nothing, zero concern), you have not doubted internally about the decision, opinion... that they were going to take, thinking what others would do in your place.
But in a couple not knowing very well what is normal, ideal, minimum, can make us cross behavioral limits and/or agree that they cross them with us, relativizing them, and this relativization would be done above all, for two reasons, or because of this, of not knowing very well the limits of normality ("I don't know very well if what he does to me is normal or I am seeing it in an exaggerated way") and the other reason for relativizing is to be submerged and subdued by an emotional dependency in which everything you think "will change, it's temporary, it's because of their tiredness, they have a lot of character, they tell me because they care..."
I, who speak a lot about the magnificent intuition, this is always present if what is happening at a given moment, a way of approaching the other to us, a behavior of the other towards us, if whatever happens causes us displeasure internally and it comes to us with discomfort, that is where intuition is at work, which places us in the reality that what is happening should not be like that. "The body speaks, luckily, by itself, without you considering it", and that is intuition, "the one that thinks or feels for you without your rationalization"
"And what is normal in a couple?" Many will ask. You could argue, have problems, not talk to each other, get pissed off and from there, whatever comes out? ….Well, yes and no, and if there are differences, it is normal in the way in which those differences and problems are raised, the attitudes of respect when talking about the subject, the tone that is used, the listening with the intention of resolving and not the listen with the intention of defense, respect the other's opinions without judging, and of course, not play guessing games: surely he does it for such, surely he says it for which, "what if"... and so it gets more and more messed up, ah! and of course not taking the shit out of the past.
Every moment of problems, which should be few if it is a mature and principled relationship, should always be talked about, always, and not realizing it will turn around and leave, make you guilty and stop talking for a week? and not green until…the sale of!!!! The withdrawal of the word and its presence is one of the worst punishments and psychological abuse, just as it sounds. “I ignore you and deprive you of any access to me to resolve, in addition to “I don't love you”, “I'm not interested in anything you have to tell me”.
This is a toxic relationship. This way of arguing is not normal (discuss should not be normal, but give an opinion). Many couples got used to seeing these ways of interacting between their parents and these ways of talking to each other and treating their children at home, and it is obvious that these behaviors were learned, normalized, and started with the first couple they had. . And with the following. In addition to bringing this learned from childhood to the couple, already within the couple we have been adapting, refining and consolidating these behaviors of subjugation of the other and lack of respect and of course love. Something devastating is having grown up in a broken family with mistreatment included, suffered or seen towards one of the parents. And similar to having been with a partner who has also mistreated you. And there are many subtleties in this… that one of the members has some psychopathology and the other does not know how to handle it as normal and it overflows, or that the person suffering from abuse also reproduces those situations of abuse in a new partner towards the other, without being equal, of course, unless that "is intended to be avoided" by relativizing, giving in, justifying... by the one who suffers and who, of course, does not understand these behaviors and endures.
We are reproducers of good and bad experiences. The worst thing is not to get an apprenticeship, oneself, to improve their behavior in a normal relationship, where what should be the minimum and main thing is love, respect and admiration.
It is so gratifying to hug just because, kiss just because, a kiss, a little pinch on the ass in the hallway, a look and a wink, a joke, a spontaneous "handsome", a brush of hands, coming home and wanting to see him , text him with some fool during the day, seduce him without anticipating it, talk about you, talk about problems with complicity and not with reproaches, share moments without looking for them, create them to be together, want to be together, feel so good when you're with him Oh!!!!!!!! And moving on to sex…..the most beautiful thing, sex with love, with respect and with laughter. Sex should not serve, nor does it serve to solve any problem. Nothing is solved in the bed, only make-up, camouflage, park and until next time we have another one like this and also remove this problem that we have just put back into the bag of previous accumulated and unsolved ones. Well, we keep throwing kikis and see what happens…..(fatal).
Am I in a toxic relationship? Well, as you have been reading, how are you going to see yourself? On the one hand, are you in a normal relationship? Is it a relationship to be? (I have a new one as well as a job and a house. How exciting! Are you in an interest relationship? Do you treat your partner how? Do you want to be with that person? What do you share with her, moments that she decides she has left over for you? Who always gives in? Who never excuses himself…
Sometimes there is a lot of fear in admitting to oneself that this is not the person of my life because it is obvious that it is not what I want and I feel bad, but sometimes we insist obsessively that yes, that this is a bad streak and It is not possible that this cannot change, and we become stubborn and suffer and nothing changes, and what is more, we create more submissive and extreme behaviors and clues for the other, to achieve our goal: that we be a happy couple, and nothing further when after time you are not happy nor are you having behaviors that lead to it. Sometimes you don't change even under pressure, and when you change because of "fear of losing something", that only lasts a few months at most, because the way of being and needing doesn't change... Little by little it is seen how it is returning to the old ways and again we begin to relativize….uuff.
In a toxic couple, one goes their own way, and appears when they want something or when they don't have a better option, they do what they want without caring what the other might think or need....there is always a reason, excuse to get away with it or to throw shit at you without you sometimes having anything to do with it, like you get annoying…. His outbursts of anger and his outbursts of bad milk sometimes make you cower and others make you confront and that's when the toxic one has the opportunity again to "put you in your place with something that makes you feel guilty..." You have no way out, and there you stay because he or she is your owner and you make it clear, to avoid.
There are many ways to be toxic, sometimes clean and others with subtleties, depending on the intelligence and what has been learned from this evil being that sucks your emotions and is selectively kind, temporary, for a "for something", and continues to manipulate you even if you you feel like the king of the mambo while, yes, yes?
It's hard to see this, read this, recognize you in this, but the fact that I'm writing it and that you've found it doesn't make it any less real, because you know that won't change. That yes, you get excited when you "create" that now yes, that now God makes you feel, raises you to maximum happiness, perhaps, ….or mistrust still pursues, rightly so?
Like ours we complicate life, which is only once and sometimes difficult.
In such a toxic relationship, selectively keeping the good times in all records, neglecting or minimizing the bad ones, which are there and are more numerous. What an enemy brain we have sometimes! But it's not stupid and sometimes it gives us a slap on the wrist with intuition and discomfort, with the obvious... but sometimes it's so scary to go out, the "loneliness", the change, the mental scheme of wanting and having a relationship (even if it's shitty), it's hard but, "that sucks", especially when you feel supported and perhaps you have discovered "other worlds" where what you want can be and also multiplied by 1000. In reality, finding someone another person who excites you, makes it easier to see where you are and get out of there.
Returning to your toxic partner, how much trust do you feel with her and in her? you honesty does not mean that she has it, in fact the disrespect is multiple, and not always in front of you, when she talks about you to others (behind your back) playing the victim for putting up with you or belittling you, justifying not being there or not going out with you because you are such and such…and well, he looks for his other plans that you are not his priority, because he does not care about you, or are they necessary plans and in which you cannot be? .
When a person has low self-esteem, as he is toxic, he seeks to reaffirm himself as he is and with whomever…. He controls you, he is jealous, he demands behavior from you even if his are different from what he demands of you. He doesn't accept her blame, he diverts it as much as he can to factors outside her and even to you. First are his priorities or only his priorities, knowing that you are going to give in and even applaud…. and would continue with many more behaviors…
How unfair this mixture of good people with selfish people. Everything for them, from them and from outside also for them... and there you are every day to reinforce and give pleasure to their ego... for pathological love and ill-come into your life, ill-come because the majority of sufferers are protective people including it. Only empathic and good people are able to endure being in a toxic relationship of continuous manipulation, already being aware of it. The rule, the Bible is: zero contact or the devil will start messing around as soon as you give him a trickle of power.
I have many faces and conversations in my head right now as I write, and those who read me of those who have had this conversation – problem with me, will see and remember.
Bravo for those I know, many, who came out of there, them and them…..! ole your “adornments”…(smile). That life is much easier and more rewarding out there, or is it? And if on top of that you find a spark, I won't even tell you…..!!!!!!!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ana M. Angel Esteban
